73 Questions With Michelle Wolf | Vogue

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[Interviewer] Okay.

There is no other way

I'd rather be spending my Sunday

than asking Michelle Wolf questions.

- Oh good!

- [Interviewer] Alright!

Let's do this.

How do you feel about arranging

this interview on a Sunday?

- Well I was gonna have to work

on my show anyway. So,

might as well do this too.

- [Interviewer] And that's why were here,

at nondescript

building in Hell's Kitchen.

- [Interviewer] Let's check it out.

So Michelle, besides this interview

is the best part

about your day today?

- I mean, these sneakers are pretty great.

- [ ] And can you give your fans

a taste of what the show's about?

- It's called The

and it's on Netflix

and its gonna be lots and lots of fun.

- [Interviewer] Okay.

how's it different

than all those other shows?

- I would say more

jokes, less commercials.

- [ ] Fair enough.

Now, what's the secret to comedy?

- Honesty, originality and punchlines.

- [Interviewer] Love .

- John, I'm gonna show

these guys the studio.

- Absolutely, just give me

two minutes.


- [Interviewer] What's your

best quality, Michelle?

- Probably that I'm never satisfied.

- [Interviewer] your worst trait?

- Probably that I'm never satisfied.

- [Interviewer] I heard a rumor

that shy? Is this true?

- What me?

- [Interviewer] What would you be doing

if you doing comedy?

- Well, when I was five, I wanted

to be a bulldozer lady,

so whatever is.

- [Interviewer] What's the hardest thing

that youve ever done?

- Wilson.

- [Interviewer] Wilson?

- Oh sorry I did a whos'

the hardest thing youve'

ever done?

- [Interviewer] , Michelle --*%---

keep it clean,

Please keep it clean.

So this is my workout for day...

did I hear that you ran an

ultra marathon recently?

- I did, 50 miles.

[Interviewer] Impressive.

What's the most interesting thing

about running a 50 mile ultra marathon?

- Probably you dont'

understand it unless you do one.

But also, there's a ton of bananas,

and that not a sexual innuendo.

- [Interviewer] Whats'

the most interesting thing

about how life changes when youre ?

- Way more sunglasses, even when it rains.

- Here are the drafts you asked for.

Thanks Aliza.

- [Interviewer] Alright.

What are those drafts?

- Oh, new jokes for this week.

[Interviewer] Oh. So cool.

- Welcome to my office.

You can tell it's mine because

there's sign on the door that says so.

- [Interviewer] And this

is a really, nice office.

Looking . It's great.

- It's been a lot of peoples',

John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, come on.

- [ ] So can you describe for me

your creative process when you have

to write a bunch of ?

- Well you write as many drafts as you can

and then you try to beat those .

- [Interviewer] And what

makes a perfect joke?

- I think something you didnt'

know you wanted hear.

- [Interviewer] Mmmm. Whend'

you first start telling jokes?

- I don't know, probably when I little

trying to impress my

brothers and then it didnt'

and they punched me or something.

[Interviewer] Now what do you hate

about comedy, right at this moment?

- Claptor and pandering.

[Interviewer] What's the

coolest thing on your desk?

- Well, clearly I take a lot of beverages.

these two are my favorite.

My nephews painted them.

- [Interviewer] Wow. Artistic.

- Yeah, until you their both 39.

- [Interviewer] Alright,

now it has been 22 days

since the White House

Correspondents' .

I'm sure youre very familiar with it.

How does this experience

feel in hindsight?

- Great.

I was maybe too nice.

- [Interviewer] And what

was your favorite joke?

- I liked all them but

my favorites were the ones

that I actually cut. And

now theyre in a vault.

[Interviewer] Wow can I see those?

- Someday.

- [Interviewer] Alright, Ill wait.

What was your

reaction when you learned

the president would not be in attendance?

- What a pussy.

- [ ] How do you describe

telling jokes to people's faces like that?

- So much more fun, you

feel them be mad.

- [Interviewer] Michelle would you

ever do that experience ever again?

- anyone ever do it again?

- [Interviewer] Good question.

- [Woman] Studio's ready.

- Ah, great!

[Interviewer] Okay, so, what are you

completely done talking about now?

- The Correspondents' Dinner.

- [ ] Yes you are.

- [Interviewer] If your

life were a hashtag,

what would it be?

- #*%

- [Interviewer] Okay,

Michelle can you have

your assistant here ask a question?

- Aliza can please ask me a question?

- Would you like some coffee?

- Always.

- [Interviewer] Michelle, would you

describe yourself in three nouns?

- Bad at grammar.

- [Interviewer] How would your

describe you in three adjectives?

- Loud, loud, oh my, for the

love of God, youre so .

- [Interviewer] Whats--'--

- Do you want a snack?

- [Interviewer] Yes please, thank you.

the funniest thing

in the world to you?

- I love those cats who wear

like pirate costumes

it makes it look like theyre walking

on their legs with their arms flailing.

- [Interviewer] ,

what's your best accent?

- Whatever this weird Central

Pennsylvania twang I have is.

- [Interviewer] Okay.

what's your worst accent?

- Literally the rest of them, but probably

Australia's probably the worst one.

Put those shrimp on the barbie.

Oh wait, actually that was so good,

you thought you were

under didn't you?


- [Interviewer] Thought I was there.

In Sydney.

Okay, when were most starstruck?

- The other day I literally

almost ran into Oprah.

I turned a corner of head,

her boobs, it was almost a whole thing.

- [Interviewer] Who would

you love to have beer with?

- Queen Elizabeth the First.

- Not only does she have red hair,

she's always been single

and she like ruled the whole world.

She's pretty amazing.

- [Interviewer] Okay is a random one,

but who would you drive past, even

if they were stranded on a highway?

- I would say any man

I don't know personally

and a lot of the men do.

- [Interviewer] Okay so I

noticed you have some, press

over here. What's the nicest

thing anyone's ever said?

- I mean Letterman complimented

me which was super cool.

- [Interviewer] Alright, do

pay attention to critics?

- Only the one in my

head, which is way worse

than anything can say about me.

- [Interviewer] And how would you describe

your comedy style?

- Full jokes.

[Interviewer] Okay. Where's the best place

in the world to do standup?

- Comedy Cellar, course.

- [Interviewer] Favorite

city to perform in?

- Other than New York,

either San Francisco,

, or Madison, Wisconsin.

Madison is so beautiful but you

gotta pace yourself on the cheese.

- [ ] Who is the most

underrated comic right now?

- Joe List.

- [Interviewer] And what

should aspiring avoid

in their careers?

- Thanks Jon.

- [Don] Youre welcome.

- Being lazy.

- [ ] Alright, ladies

and gentlemen this is it!

- Look at this place!

- [Interviewer] Michelle Wolf has .

- It's amazing!

- [Interviewer] How does it feel?

- Overwhelmingly great.

- [Interviewer] Amazing. I take a shot

of you right behind your desk?

- Yeah of course. Come on.

- .

Okay, now from working on other shows,

what lessons have helped

prep you for your own?

Never settle.

- [Interviewer] This is

gonna be a good shot.

Here we go. say something on .

One, two, three.

- Smokey eye.

- [Interviewer] Whats'

made you the most proud?

- special.

- [Interviewer] Yeah your HBO

special's called "Nice Lady."

Do you consider yourself

to be a lady?

- Not at all.

- [Interviewer] Now you had a character

called Grown Up Annie.

Where is she now?

- She's a member of Trump's cabinet,

she's actually the most qualified

person works there.

- [Interviewer] What's the

difference between Michelle Wolf

the performer and

Michelle Wolf the person?

- Were pretty much the same.

I start all my conversations

with, "You guys hear about

this?" My hate me.

- [Interviewer] What do

you hope for yourself

five years from now?

- Um, be better than I am now.

- [Interviewer] What do you

hope for America five years

from ?

- To be less racist.

Come on guys. Try like a little.

- [Interviewer] What does

mean to be an American today?

- Always having to say, "I am

so sorry about that. so sorry."

- [Interviewer] What does

it mean to be a woman today?

- Conflicting.

It's , do you post a

picture of your naked butt

or do you become a scientist,

Can you both of those things?

Are we even allowed to discuss this?

- [Interviewer] What does it

mean be an American female

comedian today?

- I mean, for me, pretty great.

- [Interviewer] Yeah,

worked out well for you.

Okay. Now youve worked in biochemistry,

can you tell me something biochemical,

that I most likely will not understand?

- Okay, get ready, it's exciting.

Did you know that

dynamics can be used

to study proteins, enzymes and kinases?

Oh my god.

- [Interviewer] The you know.

Now you worked on Wall Street----

- Mm-hmm-.

- Can you give me a metaphor

for working on Wall Street, in circa 2008?

- Yeah it's like being a violin player

on deck of the Titanic

and then get rescued

by a carnival cruise ship,

that was paid for by .

- [Interviewer] On that note... it's time

to wind down this interview.

Michelle, what's a video the past week

that youve not been

able to stop watching?

- Ah, Sydney McLaughlin winning the

400 meter hurdles at SEC.

You guys, she's a phenom!

- [Interviewer] Now if you look

your imaginary audience,

who's the one person

that you'd love to see the most?

- Oh my , if there

was a bunch of otters

holding hands, I would lose it.

- [Interviewer] And whos'

musical sidekick

for your show?

- Oh, we got DJ Jerzy. He's one

of the best in all New Jersey.

- [Interviewer] What's style of song are

you most likely gonna be walking to?

- Something upbeat and

fun and sort of hip hop,

that's probably way too cool for .

- [Interviewer] What three people

would you invite to a

dinner party, dead or alive?

- Queen Elizabeth the First,

'cause I already brought her back

and she doesn't have any other friends.

Carol Burnett and Ina Garten.

- [Interviewer] How do you

know when youve nailed

a performance?

When Dennis Miller

gives you notes about it.

- [Interviewer] Alright, and last question

I have for is,

what is your favorite punchline?

- No dice, squirrel man.

- [Interviewer] Okay. That

concludes interview

Michelle Wolf--

- You guys, you can't conclude

an interview without going

through an alarm .

- [Interviewer] Are you sure about this?

- Bye bye!

-[-Interviewer[] No, I cant'.



created with the online Cloze Test Creator © 2009 Lucy Georges


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